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The Green
Grassy Knoll
or the
33 steps to gaining a week off from work....
By
Brenda Donges
from October 2000
I
recently attended an international rally
for WIMA (Women’s International Motorcycle
Association) in Kiama. There were a lot
of overseas visitors and we all had a
great time. I did, however, get into a
bit of a situation during the course of
the week-long event, and have decided
to share the experience.
33 Steps to
Scaling a Green Grassy Knoll and Procuring
a Week from Work
Step 1.
Along with a group of your friends, you
book into a caravan park cabin in Kiama
where the council has just started work
on the road, thus necessitating the closure
of the accommodation entrance and the
need to find another way into the cabin.
Step 2.
Ensure that the other way into the cabin
is a green grassy knoll situated on a
45-degree incline running parallel to
a cliff dropping into the ocean.
Step 3.
Spend 3 days in your sea front cabin enjoying
the view. This includes traversing up
and down green grassy knoll without incident
and meeting lots of like minded foreigners
and locals.
Step 4.
On day 4, while enjoying one of these
commanding views, you will watch as your
Fearless Leader saunters into said accommodation
after a lengthy absence. She has just
dropped in to inquire if you are interested
in attending the photo session due to
start any time soon.
Step 5.
Replying “not really” as you
are to lazy to get off you arse and get
on your bike, you will watch Fearless
Leader walk out of accommodation in disgust
at your lack of commitment to the organisation.
Step 6.
Feeling slightly chastised, and suddenly
developing a sense of commitment to the
organisation, you will get off said arse
and inform other members (who, incidentally,
are about as interested in going as your
are) that you now feel obligated to attend
photo session and are departing to join
Fearless.
Step 7.
Clothed in jeans and shoes, and grabbing
the only legal safety requirement for
your bike, you rush out of accommodation
door not wanting to be late. Giving some
thought to the necessity of non-legal
safety gear like motorcycle boots and
jacket, you decide it’s not worth
it as you are just riding around the corner
and what the hell could happen in any
case.
Step 8.
Throwing leg over machine, and placing
key in ignition, you start the bike, engage
1st gear and take off at a normal speed
along the sea front heading in the direction
of the green grassy knoll.
Step 9.
When you get to the base of the green
grassy knoll, you will notice Dutch foreigner
at the top of said knoll attempting to
come down. At this stage, you will stop
your bike and wait for Dutch foreigner
to descend, as she is more or less in
the way of you getting up.
Step 10.
After a short wait, and some hand signals
from Dutch foreigner, you will conclude
that she has decided not to come down
after all. You will wonder just how you
are going to get past her once you are
at the top of knoll but you will not worry
about that until you are there. Which
will not be long, you think.
Step 11.
Whilst completely ignoring the fact that
your BMW motorcycle and near new back
tyre may not be able to grip the sea spray
covered grass, you gun machine at a speed
you think adequate to get you up the big
grassy knoll from a standing start.
Step 12.
Whilst motorcycle fish-tales on slippery
grass, and your are trying desperately
to keep your balance, you will need to
strategically place your right leg in
a position where the foot peg will slam
into it during one of the fish-tale maneuvers.
You will not notice when foot peg does
slam into calf, as you will be very busy.
Step 13.
You will notice steel hand rail (kindly
placed down the length of the green grassy
knoll to assist geriatric pensioners in
their evening walks) coming towards you.
Realising you are unable to keep bike
vertical with out hitting hand rail (thus
depriving geriatric pensioners of their
only means of getting up and down knoll),
you slow bike and assist it to the grass
whilst stepping off.
Step 14.
Reciting all the relevant Aussie expletives
you know, you will indicate to Dutch foreigner
that she might like to come on down and
assist you in picking up f-ing heavy bike.
She will gladly do this once she has found
first gear on her rented bike and is satisfied
it will not role down the knoll thus causing
further mishap.
Step 15.
Wanting to get bike off ground quickly,
so as not to attract attention, you and
Dutch foreigner will grip onto some part
of bike, and counting to three, you both
heave f-ing heavy bike off the ground.
You will then have a fight with the side
stand in order to get it down and eventually
get bike stable and upright on spongy
grass.
Step 16.
Because your BMW mirror is designed to
clip on and off so as not to do much damage
during a minor mishap, you are not surprised
to see said mirror lying on the ground.
When Dutch foreigner hands you the mirror,
you proceed to try and clip it back on
the bike. Of course, it won’t co-operate
because nothing is easy.
Step 17.
Whilst again trying to gently coax mirror
onto casing, you will notice a small amount
of blood running out your shoe. At this
stage, you do not notice the dark, wet
stain on your black jeans or the sticky,
warm sensation about your sock area. Nor
will you realise that the blood running
out your shoe is only doing so because
it has already saturated your jeans, socks
and shoe and has no place else to go.
Instead, you wonder how you cut yourself,
as your jeans have no tear in them.
Step 18.
Placing mirror into pannier box, you state
to Dutch foreigner, (who incidentally
doesn’t trust that your German made
motorcycle is going to stay vertical and
is holding it up with limited body weight)
that you might take a minute to check
out what is causing the bleeding. You
intend to return soon to get f-ing heavy
bike back up green grassy knoll.
Step 19.
Walking slightly away from the scene,
you will unbutton your jeans, pull them
down past your knees and notice a bloody
great hole, dripping with flesh and lipid,
located in the side of your calf. Upon
observing profusely bleeding wound, DO
NOT PASS OUT. Instead, consider that you
are in for a rather large amount of discomfort
after the medical practitioner has stitched
up bloody great hole.
Step 20.
Whilst calming down all the swooning women
unlucky enough to see wound, you will
ask for first aid kit located in top box
of BMW. When you receive first aid kit,
you will proceed to select field dressing.
Step 21.
Your friends, and others from the vicinity,
will have by now arrived on the scene,
drawn by the scent of blood no doubt.
Surrounded by these people, you will pull
your jeans down around your ankles, stick
your arse in the air and bandage yourself
up. With this out of the way, you will
now regain your dignity by pulling up
your pants.
Step 22.
Observing one of your friends riding f-ing
heavy bike up green grassy knoll, in order
to move it out of the way of other traffic,
you will curse and mutter how she can
do it and you couldn’t.
Step 23.
Knowing full well you need a lot of stitches
in your leg, you will accept offer to
be driven to nearest medical aid. This
will involve holding onto geriatric handrail,
and walking up green grassy knoll. Not
an easy task and you mutter a small word
of thanks that you didn’t actually
hit said rail, thus making it impossible
to use.
Step 24.
After driving around Kiama for a bit,
you will eventually find a medical practitioner
and limp inside. You will hobble to the
nurse who will quickly remove your bandage,
clean away the blood, lipid and flesh
and leave you there, without the aid of
painkillers, for at least one hour.
Step 25.
While your pain tolerance level is really
getting a work out, you talk about something
with the friend who has had the good grace
to accompany you to the doctors. In the
future, you will not have a clue as to
what was discussed with friend, but you
will be grateful for the distraction.
Step 26.
Just when you think it can get no worse,
the doctor will come in and proceed to
jab you with needles in and around your
bloody great hole. You will grimace in
pain but as this allegedly stops all feeling
to the area, you will grin and bare it.
Step 27.
When the doctor begins to sew the wound,
you will politely inform him that you
can feel every thread that he is putting
in. Of course he will not stop sewing
and eventually you cease to feel anything.
This will come as a blessing.
Step 28.
When you eventually leave the medical
establishment with 13 stitches in your
leg and a medical certificate for the
next week off work, you proceed to your
accommodation to greet your friends. Said
friends will fuss around you like you
have just had your limb amputated, but
you will not worry about this and know
they will tire of it eventually. It is
then that you are told that one of your
friends, who obviously has no idea of
how a BMW bike is designed, has taken
apart your mirror in order to find out
why it broke. This procedure will, of
course, not be successful as the bloody
mirror is not broken and never needed
fixing in the first place.
Step 29.
Wanting to rinse out bloody jeans and
sock, which incidentally you are still
wearing, you will remove said garments
in the middle of the kitchen whilst dinner
is being cooked. This is a very important
step as you will not get the effect if
dinner is not cooking. After turning jeans
inside out, you bring to the attention
of your friends the fact that half the
lipid and flesh from the wound is still
on the inside of the jeans, stuck like
glue to the blood. This enacts an amazing
response from the friends, thus turning
them all shades of pale and completely
off dinner.
Step 30.
Your Fearless Leader will take jeans and
sock from you and go into bathroom and
proceed to rinse garments. You will wonder
why on earth she has a desire to do this,
but, as you are a little out of it, you
will think nothing more about this unusual
behavior. You, on the other hand, will
be made to sit down and be fussed over
for the rest of the night.
Step 31.
Now that you are unable to ride, you will
limp around unable to participate in any
of the activities involved in riding.
You will sit by and watch your maniac
friends test ride Triumphs while you remain
loyal to BMW. You will mutter that you
don’t care and didn’t want to
ride a stupid Triumph anyway.
Step 32.
On the final day, you will try to assist
in packing up without much success. Fearless
Leader will not let you ride home on your
bike so you will be obliged to take the
support vehicle. Loaded up to the hilt
with a bike (not yours but Passenger Pat’s
as she will conveniently get sick on the
last day and not be able to ride home)
and all other stuff, you depart the park.
You will mutter something like “so
now they fix the entrance” as you
drive out.
Step 33.
When you return home, you will call your
work place and inform them that you have
got a great hole in the side of your leg
and will be absent for the week. During
this week, you will spend a lot of money
on medical bills as your doctor will insist
on seeing on a daily basis.
This concludes
the 33 steps to getting a week off work.
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