Return to the Stories Page   Murphy was a Mechanic By Peter Stanfield from November 2000 We’ve all heard that old saying attributed to Murphy’s law: that if anything can go wrong it will, and if it is going to go wrong, it will do so at the worst possible time. We’ve all probably experienced it a few times and have a few funny and not so funny stories to tell. Here are a few of mine. First let me admit that I do have some Irish ancestry, so some of these probably fit in well with my origins. I will also have to admit I learnt a few things from my old man (like how to swear when working on machines). He created/suffered some beaut Murphy’s. However, bikes seem to have their own common Murphy’s – you know the simple one where you’ve just got ready, put all the gear on plus the gloves, reach down to turn on the ignition to find the keys are still in the inside pocket of your jacket. Some of the best ones are recent while doing up the old Suzuki. Having just bought a replacement master cylinder kit, I’m trying to fit the little circlip on the end of the piston for the nth time when it flies off across the garage. So the big search starts, ending up on hands and knees on the floor, then a sweep of the entire floor with no luck. Naturally you can’t just buy the circlip you have to buy the whole kit and of course it is 4 PM on Sunday, so all the spares places are closed. Next weekend Martin drops over to have a look at progress, wanders across the floor and picks up the circlip. Have you ever thought that you can electric weld small frame or exhaust parts only to make small holes very big, or perhaps just one more hit with the BMW special tool (hammer) will help with that final adjustment, and see the weld break. Why is it that bolts/nuts and washers do not follow the agreed law of physics and land just under the bike when you drop them? How can they possibly follow some strange powered trajectory that will see them on the other side of the shed? I bought a new battery for the Suzuki, wired it up, tested all the lights and changed some bulbs – no problems, all working OK. Took the battery out to clean up around the rear end. Wired it up again to finish the job – Poof! BIG cloud of smoke that burnt out the earth wire from the back to the front! Oh bother, I said. Turns out there was an intermittent problem with the rectifer, but I just thought it was Murphy’s Law. Ian said the problem was that I had let the smoke out. Have you ever peeled back and replaced part of the wiring and the tape in the loom on a small bike? There’s miles of the stuff! Have you ever struggled to get that little petrol hose, or the breather hoses in an old R series, back on in that tiny little spot where you can just get your finger tips to? You finally succeed after heating the hose and busting your knuckles again. With a feeling of some relief you reach down to slide the clip up, but find this time you have forgotten to put it back on and its sitting on the bench watching you. Exhaust clamps and radiator hose clamps are very like minded, but only where the hose or pipe has been difficult to fit. How come bungee cords are so hard to get untangled when you want to separate them, but won’t get hooked on anything when you need them to – like when you’re in a hurry and trying to tie gear on your bike. Never let any inanimate object know that you are in a hurry – they can sense urgency and will always stuff you around! I know a few of us backyard mechanics who have struggled to undo the sump plug, being unable to move it apart from that little bit at the start? You then discover that you have been turning it the wrong way and have now really made it tight – visions of stripped threads and helicoils I don’t suppose you’ve ever been having a bit of a fiddle with the machine just for something to do on a Sunday afternoon? I decided to adjust the points on my old Datsun one Sunday. I gave the distributor cap carbon button a bit of a test to see if the spring was OK and watched it fly off into the lawn somewhere – hmm the spring seems to be working OK – but how do I now get to work the next day? Can you buy just a carbon button or do you have to buy a whole distributor cap? Why is that last bolt way down the back of the engine which you can just reach is always the one that won’t come loose? Is it because you can only just get to it and can move it only an 8th of a turn at a time, or did the last silly bugger cross the thread because of the difficult spot it’s in and didn’t care? Do vehicle designers ever have to work on the vehicles they design? One of my mates (no it wasn’t Clyde) created a Murphy’s when reassembling his Alfa. He managed to get a complete set of pistons/liners/bearings/rings and other engine parts out of England at the right price – it was going to be a beaut rebuild. However, he didn’t lay the conrods out in order on disassembly, and two are offset. It was a bit tight to turn over, but the new battery was strong and it turned over a couple of times before seizing. My old man always had trouble with lead lights He had an old metal wire one with a tin shield to shade the eyes. No matter how he twisted the lead the light was always in his eyes, the work in the shade and the language dreadful. So I bought him a new plastic one for father’s day with my pocket money. Same problem, light in eyes, work in the shade – so in a fit of rage he took to it with a hammer – now the light was always on the job but also always in the eyes. I guess I’ve learnt a few lessons working on machines. I don’t think I would ever make a mechanic, but on the other hand it would be more fun practicing on someone else’s bike. However, there are a few simple rules I have learnt. Bikes are not cheap to own or repair. If its all gone together too easy, you’ve made a mistake somewhere, and you’re going to find a few parts left over on the bench! And if its working OK, leave the bloody thing alone Top of Page © ACTBMWMCC 2001 - not to be reproduced in whole or part without permission. Write to the Editor